"Life contracts before it expands, and pulls back before it leaps forward. This balancing act is not something we should resist, but rather, embrace" - Brianna Wiest,

Contractions, expansions, and learning to be in a world that wants us to do

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

At 51 years old, much is expanding. The waistline, the count of grey hairs, the map of smiles and frowns etched onto my face, the sagging of the parts one firm. 

And with that expansion, comes the disappearance. The young really don’t notice the old do they? Men no longer see a woman. I didn’t realise I had become an ‘old woman’ until I realised how invisible I have become to the young, and the gaze of men. Not that I mind either, most of the time anyway. 

And in that expansion and disappearing came the breaking. Finally the weight I have carried in my heart, my soul and my body were too much to bear. The pain I learned to accept as normal life called my immediate attention. The stories I have told myself about who I am demanded I confront their truths (or lack of truths). My body demanded rest and quiet that had never seemed necessary, possible or desirable. 

My heart, soul and body have been calling to me for a very long time. Pleading with me to hear their needs, to give them time and space and care and compassion. To give myself the love I sought for so long from others. 

I know that I have needed this breaking for a long time. I’ve been here before, shattered into a thousand pieces, so that I could rebuild myself anew. The sober, gentler woman who emerged from that first breakdownthrough thought I had it all figured out. That I had myself figured out. 

When I discovered, a few years later. that my life was built on a foundation not of failure and  incompetence, but of ADHD, I rewrote everything I thought I knew about myself from that earlier time. Stripped back all the world had told me was wrong with me, and found the strength I had gained in my struggles.

The tattoos that tell the stories of the struggles and the strengths

But then the struggles expanded. And I contracted. As the burden of pain, of grief, of loss and loneliness weighed me down, I collapsed. Retreated into sadness, to silence, to stillness, to self. And finally, I saw that I needed to rest before I could bear such a weight.

We live in a world that has learned to see rest as something that must be earned. We must work our 6 days before we can take our sabbath, our rest. And if we don’t do everything that society deems ‘enough’, and we still insist on rest, we are ‘lazy’.

But although the old saying tells us that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, the reality in the 21st century is that in fact, it makes Jack a burned out boy. An article in Forbes last month highlighted that 8 out of 10 employees are at risk of burnout, with financial pressures, exhaustion and excessive workload the top causes. 

So people aren’t lazy, they are working too damn hard. And it’s killing them. Prolonged stress is a leading cause in many of the the biggest life altering or shortening health conditions we know of today, including heart disease, mental health problems, stroke, addiction, diabetes and more. I was recently told that the bulk of my mental and physical problems have chronic stress at their core. And I’ve got a lot of tools at my disposal to reduce stress!

I’m still on the painful side of the breaking, the burnout and mental exhaustion. And I can tell you, it isn’t pretty. It’s depression, grief, fatigue, feeling utterly hopeless and miserable, and wondering if I will ever feel joy again, it’s an agonising lack of motivation and purpose that has left me not suicidal, but certainly wondering what is the point of life that feels like this.

But it’s taught me a lot. About myself, about who are the people I can truly rely on in my life, and about what is really important to me.

And one of the main thing it’s taught me is that rest and self care aren’t just luxuries for after the work is all done. The work will never be done, but you need the rest and self care anyway.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

It doesn’t have to involve taking months off work, escaping from life and going on long retreats, it certainly doesn’t have to involve massage (although if you are experiencing muscle tension, I highly recommend them!)

Self care can be deceptively simple.

It can be

• Making time to talk to a friend

• Stepping outside and breathing in the morning air with your first coffee of the day

• Switching your phone off or onto airplane mode when you work so you can focus

• Turning notifications off, or putting them on silent

• Spending time in undisturbed companionship with your loved one

• Going for a walk at lunchtime instead of eating your lunch at your desk (or forgetting to eat it at all!)

• Taking your meds when you’re supposed to

• Reminding yourself that you are doing your best, even when it feels that you aren’t

• Finding a quiet spot in nature and spending 5 minutes just breathing and being, quietly connecting with the wider world

These sorts of activities can’t reduce an excessive workload, get your boss to increase your pay, or make your work environment less toxic. There may be bigger changes you need to make to improve your overall mental wellbeing, and bring you back from burnout. 

But if you can carve out a few moments in your day to savour the joys of being alive, to connect to yourself, to those you love and to the world around you, you may find that you are better able to cope, and rediscover your true self under all the pressures life has put on you.

As for me, I’m still putting myself back together. The expansions and contractions have reshaped me into someone I have not yet quite worked out how to be. But I know that self care, connection and creativity are what I need. They are what got me sober, and they are what are getting me through this and taking me into the new expanded version of me, the elder, wiser woman with Hagitude that I know is waiting for me to become.